Brave and Tender Soul

I could write post after post after post about parenting. My parenting, that is, or these girls, or the million different thoughts or doubts I have each and every day about almost every single decision I make (or neglect to make, as the case may be).

Twice in the past week my heart has literally ached over Hanna's absolute (and resolute) bravery.

Last week Hannah had her 5 year well-child exam and I knew that she was due for shots. I decided not to mention the shots until the morning of the appointment. She knew she had an appointment, though, and out of the blue, the night before, she asked me how many shots she was going to get. (That girl's memory is AMAZING! Last year the nurse mentioned that Hannah was caught up on shots until she turned 5 and I'm sure that is where the shot question came from. Seriously, I could give you example after example of her long-term memory. Short-term, on the other hand....) I honestly told her that I didn't know. I hoped only one, but maybe two?

At that point I figured the gig was up. I tried to be optimistic but I was fully expecting to have to physically drag her, screaming, to the doctor, sit in reception while she melted in my lap, and wrestle her down for shots. It wasn't some unknown fear we were facing here- it hasn't been that long since she's seen Sarah get shots. Fortunately Katie was able to come play with Sarah the next day during Hannah's appointment (I think her last trip to the doctor and three shots were VERY fresh in Sarah's mind and she was VERY happy to stay as far away from there as possible!) which allowed me to be fully available for Hannah. On the way to the doctor she told me that she thought that getting some ice cream afterward might help her feel better (what is she, a mind reader? Or do four-year olds have some kind of secret training for this stuff??) and that was an easy agreement to make.

We went. She was weighed and measured (43 pounds and 42.5 inches tall), all her vitals were checked, Dr. P came in and looked and listened to all the normal stuff and then the nurse came back and told us Hannah was due for 4 shots- wow! Didn't see that coming... But she did it. She sat on my lap and watched Brenda clean her thighs and she watched as shots 1 & 2 went in the right leg, took a deep breath as Brenda went to get shots 3 & 4 for her left leg. Watched those go in and the band-aids go on.

Then she looked at me and her little eyes were so bright with tears, her cheeks were pink and I said, "Hannah, it's ok to cry if you need to." I think one or two little tears escaped and that was it. Even the nurse (who has been our nurse since before Hannah's birth) commented on how remarkably brace she had been.

Then we celebrated at Baskin and Robbins where Hannah discovered bubble gum flavored ice cream... (Which, surprisingly, is a flavor of ice cream that I can totally live without. Blech.)

On Tuesday the father of one of Hannah's classmates brought in some mounted "specimens" of bugs to help kick-off the new theme "Gardening." What we first heard was that he had brought in a tarantula (which we've seen at one of the local pet stores) and when Hannah looked up at me and said, "Let's go look at it Mom!" I was pretty blown away. Unfortunately when we got over there it wasn't one live tarantula it was a couple of small display cases with about 40 preserved bugs (butterflies, beetles, a tarantula, etc) and I was quick to point out to her that they were no longer alive. Suddenly she lost it- she was completely melting, head tucked into my neck, sobbing, clinging... I was bent down with Sarah on my hip (ready to leave, of course) trying to maintain my balance. Of course I tried to talk her through it- yes, it was about the bugs although she couldn't (and still won't) tell me exactly what the issue about the bugs was.

Soon the bugs disappeared and Hannah's teacher gave us a little book to read together (http://www.amazon.com/Things-Scary-Florence-Parry-Heide/dp/0763612227) about all different kinds of scary things (good-scary, exciting-scary, scary-scary). Hannah brought it down a few notches while we were reading and after the book, when they played the clean-up music that signals the beginning of Circle Time, she took a deep breath, looked up at me and said, "I'm ready for you to go now Mom." Oh my. There were still tears in her eyes. I think I even asked her, "Are you sure??" because I was so wholly unprepared for that. But yes, she was sure. She knew what was going to happen next, she was ready to welcome the day with her school-mates, she didn't need me there. I gave her a kiss, I turned around to walk out and I looked back- her face was bright from crying and she clutched a kleenex in her hand, but she wasn't even concerned about me walking away.

Oh this girl of mine. Oh my heart. You know, of course, that this child who has taught me so much of parenting, of stopping, listening, and being patient, this girl still wakes up in the morning and goes to sleep at night needing to touch me. She still has moments where she is so clingy that I absolutely wish I could just shrink out of her grasp (am I horrible for feeling that way? For writing it ?) and then there are moments like these. This push and pull, I imagine, is just a constant now and in the future. Needing me close, seeking her independence, making her own decisions, wanting advice or approval. Just another reminder, I suppose, to slow down and treasure these days- while I am still her closest confidant, her trust in me is 100%, her heart and arms are open. Now is not the shrinking time, it is time to step forward, arms open, and embrace her, all of her.

Just a few photos...

Here are a couple of pictures from Hannah's 5th birthday celebration-

Hannah can barely contain her excitement as Katie helps open a gift. This is the mostly dye-free funfetti cake that I decorated for the family party.

Apparently blowing out 5 candles (Yes, I got the right number on her cake- way to go Mom!) is pretty challenging- it took several tries but she finally did it! Yay!

The fairy-licious cake we bought from Dairy Queen (can you say Chocolate Covered Strawberry Blizzard Ice Cream Cake? Probably not without taking a deep breath and practicing a few times, eh? Anyway, if you know me well you also know it was the OBVIOUS choice, and one Hannah supported 100%.) came complete with this wholly unnatural blue frosting on top (our choice, we needed a pond-like setting for our fairy to sit in) which turned the girls' tongues blue and was thoroughly enjoyed by all. That was a REALLY long sentence! ;)

And finally, I've been remiss with goat pictures and, thankfully, it is NOT snowing here right now- just grey and rainy. These are from the big snowfall January. Billy and Babs (above) were not particularly excited about said snow and Buddy and Bonney (below) didn't even know if they want to come outside!
Brrrr!!!!

High Five!

Look at that amazingly radiant face- it is the face of my sweetest, my nearly five year old girl...

And as I type this pre-birthday post in honor of Hannah and the celebration of her journey into this world almost five years ago, I think back to where I was at this moment five years ago. My closest guess is that Shad and I would have just called the hospital and would be walking out the door of our house as a family of two for the last time. Less than 3 1/2 hours from now I will mark the moment that this precious child was placed in my arms for the first time.

I hope to start a tradition with this first-ever birthday interview (idea gratefully borrowed from Lucia at http://bagelsandcrawfish.blogspot.com/2008/02/five.html ). Here goes:

J: What are you going to do when you are 5?

H: Go to the park, start kindergarten, and learn how to ride my bike without training wheels!

J: What is your favorite food?

H: Ice cream (especially hot fudge sundaes) and cheeseburgers.

J: What is your least favorite food?

H: Ranch dressing.

J: What do you want to be when you grow-up?

H: A scientist.

J: Any particular kind of scientist?

H: Just a scientist.

J: Who is the funniest person you know?

H: Sarah

J: Who is the smartest person you know?

H: Amy M.

J: What do you worry about?

H: I don't worry.

J: What's your favorite thing to play with right now?

H: Lily Rose (doll mentioned in previous post)

J: What do you like most about school?

H: Motor room (this is like inside playtime with scooters, a play structure, swing, big "motor" movement), table time (structured activities), and recess when it is not freezing outside.

J: If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?

H: To China- to eat potstickers and get lots of pretty clothes.

J: Anything you want to add?

H: I love summer!!

And, in honor of the girl, I will not editorialize this interview. Just the facts, no mommy opinions here!

I love you Hannah-Boo. Thanks for making me a mom, your mom. xoxo

1 Year Later

We're celebrating this week! On Tuesday Shad marked the 1st anniversary of his "can-sell" date or, as he likes to say, the day they "turned me loose on the world." *~*WAY TO GO BABE!!*~*
He has been working at Jones since October of 2006 but officially became a Financial Advisor on 2/26/07. He earned his new office in August 2007 and moved in mid-October.

Shad, obviously, spends a lot of time at his office and the rest of us are there a fair amount of time as well. We're part of the remodel team, cleaning crew, decorating consultants (and contributors as the girls provide him with a steady stream of artwork), and, at times, wrecking crew. I've been meaning since October to get a picture of Shad at his office but, for some reason, I'm never there with the camera when he is dressed for success. I actually have a lot of pictures of him in remodel garb but yesterday I made a point of getting down there WITH the camera to get official anniversary pictures of him. Here they are:

If you squint, you can even read his name on the door! (I'm still figuring out all this photo-editing stuff and am currently taking the position that just getting the pictures on the blog is the most important thing!)

"How can I help you realize your financial goals?" He looks pretty official, doesn't he?

We are currently in the process of getting some family photos for Shad's rather sparsely decorated walls. And let me tell you, it IS a process (although I'm not going into details)! ;)

Shad, I know I speak for everyone when I say that we are SO proud of you. You stepped off the edge and you are FLYING! You are making it happen every day and I am continually impressed by your strength, courage, tenacity, and optimism. I am so blessed to have you as my best-friend, husband, and partner on this amazing journey! Thank you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just a quick, I-should-be-paying-bills-right-now update!


Today, Hannah and her girlfriend Emma moved-up to the "big-girls" gymnastics class. Until now they've been having fun in the 3-5 year old class, running around and getting exercise during these cold winter months. On Monday, Coach Brandon mentioned that we might want to try this class- more focused skill building, a class of six girls between the ages of almost-five and seven.

Emma's mom (Carrie) and I were impressed at how Hannah and Emma joined right in and tried a lot of new things today- it was very exciting! This picture shows (from left) Unidentified Girl, Hannah (in purple), and Emma on the big balance beam- they also swung their legs over, pulled their feet up, and squatted on the beam. I decided I'd better stop with the camera when Unidentified Girl yelled "Cheese!" :)


For Christmas, Hannah received Lily Rose, an Only Hearts Club Doll, from Grammie and they have been almost inseparable since. The dolls are cute, much more "girlish" than Barbies, with soft bodies for cuddling, freckles, and changes of clothes, of course. Our biggest challenge is finding outfits that match- exactly. Hannah is very particular about that. I had the idea the other day to cut a little polar fleece scrap into a vest for Lily Rose. While I was working on that Hannah started flitting around the house and all of a sudden came up to me wearing the exact same outfit as Lily (or as close as we could possibly come with no pre-planned purchases), right down to the aqua vest. We also styled their hair the same, at Hannah's request.


Many of you are familiar with the name Katie. For those of you who aren't let me give you a brief introduction (I would post a pic, but I haven't asked her permission- yet!). Katie is our amazing babysitter and playmate (not to mention one-who-keeps-me-sane!) who spends a few afternoons a week with the girls so I have some time to get things accomplished! I can't really say enough about Katie- Hannah ADORES her and Sarah has a lot of fun with her too. She's going to graduate in June and go away to college. -sob- Until then, though, we'll enjoy every minute we can with her and especially the great pictures she takes of the girls. Like the one above. I found this photo on the digital camera and until then I had NO IDEA that Hannah and Sarah could sit next to each other and look affectionate without screaming, biting, hitting, or hair pulling. It really warmed my heart. ;) Thanks, Katie! We love you!

*~*~THE SUN~*~*

Shad took this picture after 11:00 one night earlier this month. Both the girls had been in bed and I was working on the couch. Sarah woke first and I brought her out because her teeth were bothering her. Hannah woke-up some time later and came stomping out- they kind of jockied for position while I tried to finish up some work- good luck with that!

When I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and everyone is calling my name at the same time and at least two of the three of them are touching me somewhere Shad calls me "THE SUN." He believes that this entire operation is orbiting around me- no pressure, though! I've been trying to convince him that, if that is the case, it's not all shining and glowing, and warm being the sun, there are definitely some real nail-biting, heart-racing, over-tired, back-aching moments as well. Who knew??

And so here's a Happy Valentine's wish to all of you, but especially to all the other "SUNS" who are reading this. It's amazingly wonderful that our orbits have crossed, it could be lonely being THE SUN, but not so much when you know there are others out there as well. I couldn't make it without you! Eat all that Valentine's Chocolate (or, if you're like me, your Choco-Cherry Love Blizzard) fast- they melt quickly in the heat of THE SUN.

It's Official- She's 2! (And pretty terrific!)

Birthday morning- Sarah uses her presents as stairs to climb into the chair of honor. This would count as the beginning of party number 1, for those of you on party-watch! Party 1 continued throughout the day and ended with an excellent dinner at Matsukaze and ice cream at Baskin and Robbins!

Sarah models one of the horse party hats from party 2. The B family hosted an AMAZING farm themed party for four honorees (pictures follow). From the "Hay Hunt" to the "Toddler Feed Trough" it was an amazingly well-planned and fun event. Even more amazing, with at least twelve close-to-two-year-olds, inside, on a COLD winter day, the energy level and toddler behaviour was to be admired.
We were fortunate to celebrate another birthday with fellow close to 2's Isabel (pictured above),
Ethan (enjoying his cupcake with his dad), and Payton, also enjoying her cupcake with her dad. I was lucky enough to meet these kiddos' moms during my pregnancy with Sarah or shortly after her birth and we celebrated 1st birthdays together last year.
Even Hannah had a pretty good time at the toddler party- here she is with some bootie from the Hay Hunt!
Party 3 found us at Si Casa for rice and beans with Isabel and her mom and dad, our wonderful friends from Corvallis who drove down to celebrate with us, and Oma and Opa. Followed by homemade carrot cupcakes (yum yum!) at our house. Only when I uploaded this picture yesterday did I wonder why I only put one candle on Sarah's cupcake. Hmmm....

And, sadly, I didn't even take the camera to Party 4. We were so lucky to gather with Grammie, Aunt Doris, and Great-Grandma for dinner and cake at Grammie's house. We were also lucky to survive a wonderful weekend FILLED practically to the brim with friends and family. We're so blessed...

Is it possible?

And we were four... celebrating at the hospital on Sarah's birthday.

Could it really be just three short days before Sarah's 2nd birthday?? What a blur the past two years have been! 'Tis true, though, the day is upon us and boy, are we going to celebrate! For some crazy reason we are looking at a calendar with four (yes, four!) birthday celebrations this weekend (that's right, four in three days, ach!). How this happend is really beyond me. Generally we excel (or at least do pretty well) at keeping the girls' lives and schedules manageable. We know all-too-well the meltdowns, flaring tempers, and dramatics associated with overscheduling. We avoid these things like we avoid bad haircuts and automobile accidents- we are on constant vigil. I kid you not, ask any of my Mama-friends, I'm infamous for cancelling, rescheduling, and postponing at the whim of the girls' moods. (Lucky for me they love me anyway!) All kidding aside, please wish us luck this weekend- wish us happy party karma, controlled chaos, sugar-highs (of the frosting variety) happily balanced by the eating of much broccoli. Send all your parenting wisdom and patience my way and pray that I need hardly any of it! :)

Bonney (foreground) and Buddy who are goat-field escape artists

contemplate taking a ride on the swing.

Baaabs (who hasn't mastered the art of escape) sneaks a peak at the girls.

And now, news of goats. For the past seven months if you asked us how many goats we had we would tell you four and you would look out into the field and count five; it has been an ongoing (and bad joke). Since last July we have been waiting for mama goat (Heidi) to go home. She came here in May with her two kids who were still nursing and our goat-dealer didn't seem to be able to get her stuff together to come and pick her up. Heidi is pretty pushy when it comes to eating, butts the baby goats around, and isn't nearly as cute or lovable as the other goats (plus she's a lot bigger, for now, and she kind of scares the girls). On Sunday we decided it had been long enough and Shad and I wrestled her into the back of the truck (Shad did most of the wrestling, and he did get into some interesting positions- I wish I had pictures although he probably could have been arrested for a lewd caprine act.) and we all hopped in the truck and took Heidi home!! YAY!! (With a trip through Dutch Bros first, of course, for good measure! Another picture I'd love to have!)

Last week we enjoyed a visit from one of Shad's childhood friends, Drew, whom we haven't seen in about three years (he and his wife relocated to Ohio). Shad and Drew spent some quality time catching up and we're excited by the prospect that their family is considering moving back out West. We'll be among the first to welcome you back when you get here guys!


I just finished the paperwork to get Sarah invovled in a Little Learners pre-preschool type program (twice a week for 1.75 hours) that is run through the same program that runs Hannah's preschool. She starts on February 6 and is pretty jazzed. Ask her what she's going to do at school and her answers are "Wash hands" and "Play, play, play." Which are both accurate- first thing they do every morning is wash hands, and then they learn through playing. Smart girl! :)


Regarding Hannah... for the past week or so Hannah has taken to saying to me (particularly when we're lying in the dark at bedtime), "I love you Mama. Soooo much. And I'll never forget you. Ever." This pure, sweet, declaration of love strikes something in the depths of me- more so than most things. My days (amazingly) are filled with hugging, kissing, holding hands, snuggling, carrying, and adoring these girls. I hate to even think that I might take this seemingly endless show of affection for granted but I probably do, on some level. But back to Miss H: Can I tell you that these four simple sentences almost bring me to my knees? That until she started saying this to me I honestly had never even really stopped to consider a time where she COULD potentially forget about me (or vice-versa)? I haven't made a big deal out of this, but each time she says it, maybe every other day or so, my poor heart shudders and, for a brief instant, the future flies by right before my eyes. I am not ready for this. Nor will I ever be.

And, finally, looking SO forward for the M family to journey south for our annual celebration of Sarah's birthday. Think of us Saturday night, we'll be eating rice and beans and, eventually, wrestling four small children to bed so that we can enjoy some adult conversation... Can't wait!

And we'll be leaving you with "Baby Blast-Off" apparently this Hannah, Sarah, and Katie's (our amazing babysitter) official name for one of their outdoor passtimes. I hope the video below works and that you don't feel as sick as I do when you watch it. :) In case you miss it, the VERY end is Sarah saying "baby blast-off-" she LOVES it!